The Transition.

I don’t like instability. I like structure, schedules, and organization. I am the poster child for Type A personalities. Transitions and disorder make me not only uncomfortable, but sometimes unable to function. I can’t stand limbo.

That’s how I ended up in South Georgia in the first place…I fled the city where I’d dissolved my life into chaos and confusion thinking if I just packed up and moved to a brand new place, the instability wouldn’t follow. That’s true to a point, and I eventually found a place of manageable, organized chaos after some time, but reaching stability is like growing a garden: It takes time and it’s seasonal.

And seasons end.

I functioned in this ‘manageable, organized chaos’ for a good while, working to put down roots and dedicating 16-18 hours a day to work…until my lease was up. When you work from home, and you don’t have a home, you suddenly have no office. Take away both those things at the same time and you feel like a newborn caterpillar trying to weather a tornado. Now, everything is in storage, I’m back living like an 17-year-old at my moms, and I’m commuting occasionally to work in rural Georgia from the northern ‘burbs of Atlanta.

I’m trying to buy a house, but that’s proved more difficult than I originally thought, so here I am on day 18 of transition. It’s a mess and it feels like I’m right back to where I started a year ago. If I let my mind think sit and wonder about it all, I can have myself so worked up that I’m convinced I’ll be living here until I’m 40, everything I’ve worked for will go down the drain, and even the dogs will resent me.

But worry is a terrible thing. It blinds us from optimism.

Aside from having mismatched shoes because some are in storage and longing for some of my ‘personal effects,’ transition has made me step back, slow down, and recharge. I was in a cycle of work in South Georgia that had me at “all work. no play.” Is motivation and commitment a good thing? Sure. But I had friends I hadn’t seen since I left Atlanta a year ago, people who were once an important component of my every day life that I managed to put second for work, and a compartmentalized life of “this” and “that.” I don’t regret that decision because I’m proud of what’s happened over the last 12 months, but it’s made me recognize the considerable imbalance.

I thought the stability I had established over the last year was part of my 5 or 10 year plan, and perhaps it is…but when someone asks, “Where are you going with all this?” or “How do you plan to get there?” and all you can offer them is a blank stare, you’re no longer on track. Also, “work harder” isn’t a plan.

I left the city because I felt like I was lacking a purpose. Making money to pay my bills, socializing to say I did, and climbing a ladder that had no top rung wasn’t cutting it for me and I blamed that on my physical address. But that can happen anywhere. They say that goals without a plan are just wishes. That’s what is true. We get into a groove, think we have it all figured out, but in searching for and maintaining stability, we can lose our focus.

This transition is stressful. It’s the first time I’ve been back in Atlanta for more than 4 days. I realize how much I miss some of “my people” and I’ve reconsidered what there is to appreciate about metro Atlanta. That’s a good thing – because I’d grown bitter about the very place I called home for 24 years all because of a few things that happened. At the same time, I long for the peacefulness of my home on a road hardly anyone travels and the smell of freshly cut grass. Part of me can’t wait to get back and watch the sunsets on the porch with my pups while planning my next small town coup.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last twelve months, it’s that few things in this life are forever. Each day is an opportunity for a transition, a new direction, or an improvement, and if we don’t see it as such, we will sink. We don’t have to keep relocating to keep from sinking, but, like your Internet browser, we do have to keep refreshing.

Aren’t we supposed to ask ourselves, “What do I want out of this day?” every single day?

And the answer every day should be “all of it.” Everything this life has to offer every time the world is offering it. A to Z. 1 to Infinity. No excuses. Every morning that we open our eyes, we have an opportunity. Any day we don’t seize those opportunities is a complete waste. It’s just up to us to decide where we want those worldly opportunities to take us – and that’s what transition is for. It isn’t limbo, it’s just a fork in the road.

I’m a work in progress -and I can try to plan out what’s next all I want -but I have no doubt the targets will keep changing and I’ll keep adding to the list of things I need to work on. Besides, if you want to make God laugh…plan.

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“Awareness is the greatest agent for change.” – Eckhart Tolle